Desiderium
by CarmenBlack212
Summary: Sirius' locked up thoughts about leaving his family.


I should be happy.

I should be happy to have left my purity-obsessed family and have been accepted into a new one, should I not? Of course. The Potters have been nicer than I deserve. Ilka, James's mother, has decided to take me on as a second son. And she is more a loving woman than my mother ever was or could be. So why am I so unhappy?

James clearly thinks I am well shut of them all. And he thinks that I think that. I do. I really do. No. I really don't. I _want_ to think that. I _want_ to have no regrets about leaving that life behind me, but no matter how hard, how fucking_ hard_ I try, I cannot. I will _always_ have regrets.

It is what James does not know that makes it impossible for him to understand. He knows about the shouting matches over friends, the occasional beating after I do something dreadfully wrong, the disdain shown toward me. He does not know how special I was to my family before, how spoiled I was, and how much of me will always be a Black.

My family was, understandably, shocked at my sorting. We had not had any Gryffindors in the family since…since forever. The exceptions were the people we had disowned ages back, like the Weasleys. All the Blacks had been Slytherins –excluding the odd Ravenclaw- so of course, no one expected differently from me. I was their little Prince, even if it was my brother that got the defining name. It was all about me, really. He was their back-up heir. _I _was the special one. I was not loved more, naturally; love had nothing to do with a family, as far as we were concerned. Devotion, certainly. Care, yes. Not love. At least not warm and tender love that I later learned was generally how families went.

Even though I was a Gryffindor and there was no changing it, the first month or so of school I tried to forget. I did not want to be a Gryffindor because my parents did not approve. It was not until some time in October that I realised nothing was going to alter. Slowly, friendships began to form. By Christmas, I was on friendly terms with all the boys in my dorm. By my first summer holiday, they were my best mates.

I lived a split life, though. I loved my new friends, but I had a duty to my family to be the perfect heir, and that heir certainly would not be best friends with a Potter, a Longbottom, and two half-bloods. So, I talked about studies. I pretended to be friends with Severus Snape, a Slytherin whom I knew James hated. I tried hard to remain the same as ever. It worked, until Lucius came with Narcissa to announce their betrothal and began discussing me.

He and Narcissa had attended their seventh year while I began my schooling, and it appeared Lucius had tried his best to keep track of me. He discussed my behavior with my mother, who was most displeased. Before sending me off again, she demanded that I rethink my friendships and look toward others, like Snape. I said I would.

I tried so very hard to heed to my mother; so hard, in fact, that I had several fights with my new friends at the beginning of the term. Thankfully, they decided to forgive me. I had wanted to stay at Hogwarts over Christmas holiday, but my mother insisted I return home. She said she had grim news to tell me. I fretted the entire train ride home.

The news _was _grim: Cousin Andy had left the family. She had married a Muggle-born named Tonks and Mother blasted her off the sacred family tree. I was so upset I could have cried. I did no such thing, naturally: Blacks are not to cry, ever. I kept my face calm, cold, and indifferent as I nodded, just as I had been taught, but inside, I felt like part of me was being ripped apart. Andromeda had been my favorite cousin.

It was the summer after third year that I fell out of favor and Regulus began taking up the role as the favorite son. I had a full, strong argument with my mother. Really, it was Regulus's fault. He told Mother about my friends. My friends and I, especially me and James, had gotten closer and started creating plans for various jokes and pranks, becoming a little more noted in the school. Regulus told her about my detentions and close bond with the other Gryffindors. When my mother began raving about what terrible, unworthy people my friends were, I could not stay silent. My fighting got me a smack across the face and an even more painful reprimand about what a horrible heir I was turning out to be. Although I shut up and stepped back into place for the moment, my relationship with my mother was never the same.

Over the next few years, I began to rebel. I did what I pleased. I had friends, I had girlfriends, and I did not care what Mother thought. In January of my fifth year, I began the most serious relationship of my life with a Muggle-born Ravenclaw. My family saw me as a traitor in their own house, making the same mistakes as "that twice-damned Andromeda", but they must have had some hope, since I was never truly kicked out.

The summer I turned sixteen, I ran away. I ran to James. He told me he would always be there for me if I needed him. I needed him.

James has his own perception of what happened: that I ran to his house, rang the doorbell, and collapsed on his front porch. What really happened involved all of that, but also much more.

I did get to his house, but as soon as I raised my hand to his bell, I stopped. I could not believe what I had done! I had left my home. I had made a mistake. So I turned around and hurried as fast as I could back to Grimmauld Place. I pounded up the steps and grabbed the doorknob, jerking it open. Surprisingly, Regulus stood in the doorway. Even more surprisingly, he did not look shocked to see me. 

"I thought you'd be coming back," Regulus said softly. "I hoped so, too. It was hard enough watching Andromeda go."

"Well, I'm back," I said. "I should never have—"

"You're too late, Sirius, and that's why I was here waiting for you: to head you off. Mother's... Mother's blown you off the tapestry. You've been disowned."

I shook my head silently. Regulus shrugged, suggesting, "You should leave. Mother would be very unhappy to find you here. I really wish you hadn't done this to us -- to me. Leave now, Sirius, or she'll beat you something absolutely dreadful before throwing you out for good."

I backed out of the house and ran. Getting back to James's house is a blur, but I remember stumbling up his porch step, smacking my palm hard against the doorbell, and slumping down with fatigue. It was all too much…

_Dear Pete and Remus, _

_Hope you guys are having fun. Sorry I couldn't go, but Mum insisted I go to her cousin's wedding. It was boring; would have much rather been with you two, creating a rescue plan for Sirius. _

_Speaking of him, guess what happened? I dunno if he wrote you already, but Sirius is here. He's keeping something from me, and I don't like it. He showed up late last night, more or less out cold, and now he isn't telling me stuff. I am not very happy, not happy at all. _

_Mum says to lay off for a while. Sirius had obviously walked or ran from his house all the way to mine. Quite the distance – farther then I'd have liked to travel, across a city and all in the dark. Something really bad must have happened. I know he hates his family and everything, but he says he isn't going back, ever. He's done with them for good, and I say good for him! But he's acting weird. _

_You know we always tell each other everything. He hasn't said much at all, really. It's odd, because he usually talks all the time, you know, especially when you want him to shut up. He's been sitting around a lot, doing stuff like _homework_ and _pondering themeaning of life_, or something like that, anyway. He seems unsure and confused. Like…regretful. But he doesn't regret leaving his family; that'd be lunacy. Maybe he regrets not telling someone, like that one cousin of his, Andy-something? But he can talk to her any old time, can't he? _

_What he did tell me is this: he ran away from home and isn't ever going back. He's been disowned from the Black family (Awesome, right? He doesn't have to be one of them at all anymore!) and he was muttering into his hand about some tapestry and his mum blowing him off it or something. Anyway, that's all he answered when I asked, not why he ran away then or why he's so moody. Maybe when you guys come over next week he'll cheer up. If he doesn't, maybe one of you can figure out what's wrong with him. _

_I solemnly swear I am up to no good, _

_James _

"Hey, Sear!"

_Shite. James. _

"Sear, what are you doing? Look, the guys are coming next week."

_I'll just ignore him, and maybe he'll go away. _

"Hey, did you hear me?"

"Mhm."

"Hey, mate, what's wrong? You're out of that hell forever! You should be happy!"

_Yes… I should be happy. _


End file.
